Statler & Waldorf
Statler & Waldorf are two elderly men who each week heckle the entire cast of the Muppet Show from their balcony seats. On this page, I collected some of my favourite quotes from these grumpy old guys and arranged them per subject (so not chronologically or per episode).
Fozzie Bear
Fozzie Bear is the Muppet Show’s stand-up comedian. His jokes however are mostly greeted with indifference at best and rotten tomatoes at worst. Statler & Waldorf usually riducule the bear’s attempts - from the moment he gets on stage...
WALDORF: Hey, hey, hey! It’s that silly bear! STATLER: Time for the audience to go elsewhere! |
... to the moment he opens his mouth...
FOZZIE: Now, tonight, I’m gonna try and put something new in my act.
STATLER: Yeah, like comedy, maybe.
... and even during his act, such as the one with Fozzie performing on roller-skates.
WALDORF: Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material!
STATLER: Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit!
An act which, by the way, wasn’t entirely succesful.
STATLER: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
WALDORF: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came ON the stage!
During the next show, Kermit announced Fozzie couldn’t make it.
KERMIT: Tonight we thought we’d give Fozzie Bear a rest.
STATLER: You’re not giving him a rest - you're giving US a rest.
Of course, the frog took to defending his comedian.
KERMIT: Fozzie gets over 200 letters a week!
STATLER: Yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any.
Fozzie too usually had to defend himself from the continous heckling from Statler & Waldorf.
FOZZIE: A lot of these folks want to see me!
STATLER: Well, so do we.
FOZZIE: You want to see me perform?
WALDORF: No, retire!
FOZZIE: I’m good enough to play the Palace!
WALDORF: You’re not good enough to CLEAN the Palace!
WALDORF: You’re one of the funniest comics in the business!
STATLER: In the world!
WALDORF: In the business world!
FOZZIE BEAR: Oh, please guys, stop trying to make a fool of me!
WALDORF: You don’t need our help for that.
FOZZIE BEAR: You think you’re so funny?
STATLER: Well, we know you’re not so funny.
WALDORF: Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
FOZZIE: I can’t help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Sometimes things got a little rowdy, for example when Statler & Waldorf called Fozzie an ‘amoeba’.
FOZZIE: Sorry no foreign words!
WALDORF: The word is only foreign to you.
STATLER: Say, what DOES amoeba mean anyway?
WALDORF: I dunno, I don’t live around here either.
FOZZIE: Look out! That’s all I can say! Just look out, look out! That’s all I can say!
STATLER: Yep, that’s all he can say all right!
FOZZIE: You can’t stop the old Fozzie tonight! I’m really cooking! I’m one rare bear!
WALDORF: Yeah. You’re a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.
But Fozzie kept trying.
FOZZIE: Hey guys, you want to see my new act?
STATLER: We’d love to see your act.
WALDORF: In fact we’d hate to miss your act.
STATLER: In fact we’d love to hate your act!
Fozzie then performed an act which included spraying water on the audience.
STATLER: He’s trying to drown us! What kind of an act is that?!
WALDORF: An act of mercy!
WALDORF: Maybe we are the wrong generation for this kind of comedy?
STATLER: No, the wrong species.
Most of the time however, the audience had to sit through Fozzie’s act - unless he managed to harm himself, by receiving an electric shock for example.
WALDORF: What did you think?
STATLER: Shocking.
WALDORF: But was it funny?
STATLER: No. That would really be shocking!
FOZZIE: Oh come on, didn’t you even like my last joke?
STATLER: Sure we liked it, if you promise it’s your last one!
Quite logically, the part everyone liked best about Fozzie's act was the ending. At one particular occasion, Waldorf held up a score card.
STATLER: You gave him a 1?
WALDORF: He’s never been better. Or shorter.
STATLER: Same difference.
WALDORF: There’s only two things I don’t like about his jokes.
STATLER: What’s that?
WALDORF: My ears.
But sometimes, Fozzie got a laugh out of everybody, even those two grumpy old men.
WALDORF: Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
STATLER: Well, either we’ve gone soft or we’re in the first stages of senility.
FOZZIE: Now, tonight, I’m gonna try and put something new in my act.
STATLER: Yeah, like comedy, maybe.
... and even during his act, such as the one with Fozzie performing on roller-skates.
WALDORF: Hey, this is a great way for Fozzie to do his material!
STATLER: Yeah, a moving target is harder to hit!
An act which, by the way, wasn’t entirely succesful.
STATLER: He was doing okay until he fell off the stage.
WALDORF: Wrong. He was doing okay until he came ON the stage!
During the next show, Kermit announced Fozzie couldn’t make it.
KERMIT: Tonight we thought we’d give Fozzie Bear a rest.
STATLER: You’re not giving him a rest - you're giving US a rest.
Of course, the frog took to defending his comedian.
KERMIT: Fozzie gets over 200 letters a week!
STATLER: Yeah, but if he paid his bills, he wouldn't get any.
Fozzie too usually had to defend himself from the continous heckling from Statler & Waldorf.
FOZZIE: A lot of these folks want to see me!
STATLER: Well, so do we.
FOZZIE: You want to see me perform?
WALDORF: No, retire!
FOZZIE: I’m good enough to play the Palace!
WALDORF: You’re not good enough to CLEAN the Palace!
WALDORF: You’re one of the funniest comics in the business!
STATLER: In the world!
WALDORF: In the business world!
FOZZIE BEAR: Oh, please guys, stop trying to make a fool of me!
WALDORF: You don’t need our help for that.
FOZZIE BEAR: You think you’re so funny?
STATLER: Well, we know you’re not so funny.
WALDORF: Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
FOZZIE: I can’t help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Sometimes things got a little rowdy, for example when Statler & Waldorf called Fozzie an ‘amoeba’.
FOZZIE: Sorry no foreign words!
WALDORF: The word is only foreign to you.
STATLER: Say, what DOES amoeba mean anyway?
WALDORF: I dunno, I don’t live around here either.
FOZZIE: Look out! That’s all I can say! Just look out, look out! That’s all I can say!
STATLER: Yep, that’s all he can say all right!
FOZZIE: You can’t stop the old Fozzie tonight! I’m really cooking! I’m one rare bear!
WALDORF: Yeah. You’re a square bear that ought to be served medium rare.
But Fozzie kept trying.
FOZZIE: Hey guys, you want to see my new act?
STATLER: We’d love to see your act.
WALDORF: In fact we’d hate to miss your act.
STATLER: In fact we’d love to hate your act!
Fozzie then performed an act which included spraying water on the audience.
STATLER: He’s trying to drown us! What kind of an act is that?!
WALDORF: An act of mercy!
WALDORF: Maybe we are the wrong generation for this kind of comedy?
STATLER: No, the wrong species.
Most of the time however, the audience had to sit through Fozzie’s act - unless he managed to harm himself, by receiving an electric shock for example.
WALDORF: What did you think?
STATLER: Shocking.
WALDORF: But was it funny?
STATLER: No. That would really be shocking!
FOZZIE: Oh come on, didn’t you even like my last joke?
STATLER: Sure we liked it, if you promise it’s your last one!
Quite logically, the part everyone liked best about Fozzie's act was the ending. At one particular occasion, Waldorf held up a score card.
STATLER: You gave him a 1?
WALDORF: He’s never been better. Or shorter.
STATLER: Same difference.
WALDORF: There’s only two things I don’t like about his jokes.
STATLER: What’s that?
WALDORF: My ears.
But sometimes, Fozzie got a laugh out of everybody, even those two grumpy old men.
WALDORF: Why did we laugh at that terrible joke?
STATLER: Well, either we’ve gone soft or we’re in the first stages of senility.
Miss Piggy
Miss Piggy is the star of the Muppets Show - or at least, that’s what she believes. In front of an audience she has a feminine diva-like charm but backstage she shows she’s not gonna let anyone stand in the way of her rise to stardom. She even tends to use her violent karate chops when she thinks she is being ridiculed.
WALDORF: That Miss Piggy takes umbrage at the slightest annoyance. STATLER: I usually take aspirin. Maybe I’ll try some umbrage. |
Maybe this is why Statler & Waldorf like heckling Fozzie better than her? Still, the two don’t think Piggy is that much of a star yet, as is apparent when they commented the set-up for a scene with her.
WALDORF: Isn’t it lovely?
STATLER: Yeah. Too bad they’re gonna spoil it with a pig.
And after a scene with Roger Moore, Waldorf even dared to laugh with the one thing men shouldn’t make jokes about...
WALDORF: What a touching scene: 0-0-7 and 7-0-0.
STATLER: 7-0-0? Is that Miss Piggy’s code name?
WALDORF: No! It’s her weight!
Peggy then left the stage, so Statler & Waldorf regained some of their courage.
STATLER: Is breakfast over?
WALDORF: No. Why?
STATLER: I think the bacon just ran out.
When Piggy starred in Dolly Parton’s show and tried to take it over, Parton also remarked the crew and cast might be “having bacon sandwiches after the show”.
Statler & Waldorf didn’t seem to like pigs in general, as is apparent from these comments on an act with some pigs playing Greek music on steel drums.
WALDORF: A Greek number. That’s appropriate for the pigs.
STATLER: The pigs are from Greek?
WALDORF: No. They’re greasy.
WALDORF: I didn’t know pigs could do that!
STATLER: Be that talented?
WALDORF: No, be that bad!
STATLER: I like the steel drums!
WALDORF: What!?
STATLER: THE PIGS’ STEEL DRUMS!!!
WALDORF: I believe it! They’ll take anything that isn’t bolted down!
WALDORF: Isn’t it lovely?
STATLER: Yeah. Too bad they’re gonna spoil it with a pig.
And after a scene with Roger Moore, Waldorf even dared to laugh with the one thing men shouldn’t make jokes about...
WALDORF: What a touching scene: 0-0-7 and 7-0-0.
STATLER: 7-0-0? Is that Miss Piggy’s code name?
WALDORF: No! It’s her weight!
Peggy then left the stage, so Statler & Waldorf regained some of their courage.
STATLER: Is breakfast over?
WALDORF: No. Why?
STATLER: I think the bacon just ran out.
When Piggy starred in Dolly Parton’s show and tried to take it over, Parton also remarked the crew and cast might be “having bacon sandwiches after the show”.
Statler & Waldorf didn’t seem to like pigs in general, as is apparent from these comments on an act with some pigs playing Greek music on steel drums.
WALDORF: A Greek number. That’s appropriate for the pigs.
STATLER: The pigs are from Greek?
WALDORF: No. They’re greasy.
WALDORF: I didn’t know pigs could do that!
STATLER: Be that talented?
WALDORF: No, be that bad!
STATLER: I like the steel drums!
WALDORF: What!?
STATLER: THE PIGS’ STEEL DRUMS!!!
WALDORF: I believe it! They’ll take anything that isn’t bolted down!
being old
Statler & Waldorf are obviously the seniors of the Muppet theatre - and as wise, old men, they don’t seem to have the slightest problem with this. This is amply demonstrated by their comments on acts about being in love...
STATLER: How poignant, I remember being a teenager in love. WALDORF: Yeah, but Queen Victoria wouldn’t have you! |
... acts referring to Shakespeare...
STATLER: That really offended me. I’m a student of Shakespeare.
WALDORF: No. You were a student WITH Shakespeare.
STATLER: Shakespheare would have hated that!
WALDORF: You should know, you dated his sister!
BOTH: (laugh)
STATLER: Boy, was she ugly.
... and acts featuring stars of their days.
WALDORF: I’d like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I’m too close to something else.
STATLER: What’s that?
WALDORF: Ninety.
Obviously, being this old, Statler & Waldorf recall some other big moments of our recent history as well.
STATLER: I was on the Titanic...
WALDORF: I know, you still have the dress you wore so they’d let you in the life boat!
STATLER: I loved it!
WALDORF: So what? You also loved World War II.
The two also like making fun of their small physical problems.
STATLER: What’s that song that Tony Bennett always sings?
WALDORF: I Left My Heart In San Francisco.
STATLER: Big deal, I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
STATLER: That bit was breath taking!
WALDORF: Careful, you may not have many left.
One of those physical problems is a bad hearing, which could be fixed with a hearing aid - if only it would work decently.
WALDORF: That song had a nice beat.
STATLER: No thank you, I don’t want to eat.
WALDORF: I said beat! Why don’t you turn up your hearing aid?
STATLER: There’s going to be a raid? Let’s get out of here!
STATLER: Did you like that number?
WALDORF: Speak up, my hearing aid’s busted!
STATLER: DID YOU LIKE THAT NUMBER?
WALDORF: I LIKE WHAT I HEARD!
STATLER: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?
WALDORF: “DID YOU LIKE THAT NUMBER?”!
STATLER: Doyyyyy!
STATLER: Is your hearing aid fixed?
WALDORF: No.
STATLER: Then how do you know what I’m saying?
WALDORF: I don’t!
STATLER: Oh. (does double take)
And Waldorf kept having problems...
STATLER: That was a great number. I always liked pantomime.
WALDORF: That wasn’t pantomime! Your hearing aid’s busted again!
... sometimes dragging Statler along in the confusion...
STATLER: Brrrr... It’s freezing in here. Waldorf, when you come back can you give me my coat?
(Waldorf brings Statler a goat)
STATLER: Your hearing aid’s busted again.
... who then of course didn’t mind making fun of him anymore.
STATLER: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you... (continues to move his lips)
WALDORF: Darn, I’d better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
STATLER: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
STATLER: That really offended me. I’m a student of Shakespeare.
WALDORF: No. You were a student WITH Shakespeare.
STATLER: Shakespheare would have hated that!
WALDORF: You should know, you dated his sister!
BOTH: (laugh)
STATLER: Boy, was she ugly.
... and acts featuring stars of their days.
WALDORF: I’d like to get close to Connie Stevens, but I’m too close to something else.
STATLER: What’s that?
WALDORF: Ninety.
Obviously, being this old, Statler & Waldorf recall some other big moments of our recent history as well.
STATLER: I was on the Titanic...
WALDORF: I know, you still have the dress you wore so they’d let you in the life boat!
STATLER: I loved it!
WALDORF: So what? You also loved World War II.
The two also like making fun of their small physical problems.
STATLER: What’s that song that Tony Bennett always sings?
WALDORF: I Left My Heart In San Francisco.
STATLER: Big deal, I left my teeth in Minneapolis!
STATLER: That bit was breath taking!
WALDORF: Careful, you may not have many left.
One of those physical problems is a bad hearing, which could be fixed with a hearing aid - if only it would work decently.
WALDORF: That song had a nice beat.
STATLER: No thank you, I don’t want to eat.
WALDORF: I said beat! Why don’t you turn up your hearing aid?
STATLER: There’s going to be a raid? Let’s get out of here!
STATLER: Did you like that number?
WALDORF: Speak up, my hearing aid’s busted!
STATLER: DID YOU LIKE THAT NUMBER?
WALDORF: I LIKE WHAT I HEARD!
STATLER: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?
WALDORF: “DID YOU LIKE THAT NUMBER?”!
STATLER: Doyyyyy!
STATLER: Is your hearing aid fixed?
WALDORF: No.
STATLER: Then how do you know what I’m saying?
WALDORF: I don’t!
STATLER: Oh. (does double take)
And Waldorf kept having problems...
STATLER: That was a great number. I always liked pantomime.
WALDORF: That wasn’t pantomime! Your hearing aid’s busted again!
... sometimes dragging Statler along in the confusion...
STATLER: Brrrr... It’s freezing in here. Waldorf, when you come back can you give me my coat?
(Waldorf brings Statler a goat)
STATLER: Your hearing aid’s busted again.
... who then of course didn’t mind making fun of him anymore.
STATLER: Hey, Waldorf, I was wondering if maybe you... (continues to move his lips)
WALDORF: Darn, I’d better get some new batteries for my hearing aid.
STATLER: Ha ha ha! I fool him every time!
The Muppet Show
What Statler & Waldorf complained about most was the show itself of course. The heckling usually started right after the first announcement...
CLIFFORD: Welcome to Muppets Tonight!, the show that has people all over the country saying... BOTH: Where’s the remote!? WALDORF: How do they do it? STATLER: How do we watch it? WALDORF: WHY do we wacht it? STATLER: Why do YOU watch it? |
... and continued straight after the opening theme.
WALDORF: You know, the opening is catchy.
STATLER: So is smallpox.
KERMIT: I really feel bad about this but I have a special announcement.
WALDORF: Hey, maybe we’d gotten lucky at last.
STATLER: Yeah, maybe tonight’s show been cancelled!
KERMIT: Er, tonight’s show has been cancelled.
STATLER: Have I died and gone to heaven?
KERMIT: OK you two, take the night off!
WALDORF: Well, should we stay or go?
STATLER: I feel the same as I do every week: I paid good money for this ticket and I’m gonna use it. Huh!
WALDORF: Er, the tickets are free.
STATLER: Oh... Yes, euh... Well and overpriced at that too!
STATLER: What’s your opening act? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
[both laugh]
KERMIT: Er, cancel the opening act.
[a gorilla in a ballet costume walks across the stage complaining loudly in Chinese]
STATLER: This show is off to a fast start.
WALDORF: Good, maybe it’ll end quicker!
There were of course a few good things about the show as well: people said you could learn something from watching it...
STATLER: You think this show is educational?
WALDORF: Yes, it will drive people to read books.
WALDORF: Do you think we’ll be entertained tonight?
STATLER: Well I will... I brought a book!
... or it would help you out with personal issues.
WALDORF: This show is good for what ails me.
STATLER: What ails you?
WALDORF: Insomnia.
WALDORF: Wake me when the show starts.
STATLER: It’s already been on awhile!
WALDORF: Wake me when it’s over.
But mostly, Statler & Waldorf decided to show their contempt for anything that happened on stage.
STATLER: There’s a lot to be said about this program.
WALDORF: Too bad you can’t say it on a family show!
STATLER: What’s all the commotion about?
WALDORF: The bunny ran away!
STATLER: Well, you know what that makes him -
BOTH: Smarter than us!
WALDORF: You know, they are calling this show a runaway hit.
STATLER: Yeah, when ever it comes on, you wanna run away!
STATLER: What’s wrong with you?
WALDORF: It’s either this show or indigestion. I hope it’s indigestion.
STATLER: Why?
WALDORF: It’ll get better in a little while.
When they did applaud, it usually turned out to have happened by accident...
WALDORF: Bravo, bravo!
STATLER: Why are you yelling bravo? Did you like it that much?
WALDORF: Nope; friend of mine, Joe Bravo, he’s sitting in the front row. Bravo!
STATLER: Bravo! Oh, bravo! Wonderful! Just wonderful!
WALDORF: How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.
STATLER: Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time!
Part of the problem seemed to be their balcony seats as well.
STATLER: I know what’s wrong with this show! It’s the theater!
WALDORF: What’s wrong with it?
STATLER: The seats face the stage!
WALDORF: These seats are awful.
STATLER: Why? Can’t you see anything?
WALDORF: That’s the problem. I can see everything.
Meanwhile, everyone onstage and behind the scenes had to pay for Statler & Waldorf’s annoyance.
STATLER: Every week this show looks better to me.
WALDORF: Every week your eyesight gets worse.
STATLER: You know, this show really improves with age!
WALDORF: Why? Because the jokes get better?
STATLER: No! Because my hearing gets worse!
STATLER: Hmm, that last number was a real show-stopper
WALDORF: Too bad it didn’t stop this show!
WALDORF: You know, the second half of this show reminds me of Aspen.
STATLER: Why Aspen?
WALDORF: Cause it’s all downhill from here!
WALDORF: [throws a rubber ring] Here, catch!
STATLER: Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.
STATLER: I’m gonna see my lawyer.
WALDORF: Why?
STATLER: I want to find out if you can sue a show for a breach of taste.
WALDORF: They did improve the level of television entertainment.
STATLER: Well, they had no place to go but up.
STATLER: I thought for once this show really caught fire.
WALDORF: I thought it burnt itself out the same as always.
WALDORF: Pay up, they made it through another one.
STATLER: Double or nothing on next week’s show?
WALDORF: You’re on.
WALDORF: Well, shall we call it a night?
STATLER: Might as well. Certainly wouldn’t call it a show.
The ending was always a good moment for an in-depth analysis of the show.
WALDORF: You know, when this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
STATLER: What?
WALDORF: It ends.
STATLER: I guess all’s well that ends well.
WALDORF: Doesn’t matter to me, as long as it ends.
STATLER: Finally, we’ve seen them do a good show!
WALDORF: Good! Can we stop coming now?
WALDORF: This has been an evening to remember.
STATLER: Why?
WALDORF: I forgot.
WALDORF: What did you think?
STATLER: Beats sitting around watching television.
Sometimes they were present and still managed to miss parts of the show.
WALDORF: Uh, Statler?
STATLER: Yeah, what?
WALDORF: Is that it?
STATLER: Yes, it’s over. How’d you like it?
WALDORF: Uh, I don’t know. I slept through the whole thing.
STATLER: Well, you didn’t miss much!
STATLER: Wake up, you old fool. You slept through the show.
WALDORF: Who’s a fool? You watched it.
And however bad they thought it was...
STATLER: Well, that was different.
WALDORF: Yep. Lousy...
BOTH: ...but different!
WALDORF: Did you like it?
STATLER: No.
WALDORF: Then it wasn’t that different.
WALDORF: Same as it ever was.
STATLER: Same as it ever was.
BOTH: Terrible!
... and no matter how relieved they were to finally leave the theater...
STATLER: Do you believe in life after death?
WALDORF: Every time I leave this theater.
... they kept coming back.
STATLER: This show is awful!
WALDORF: Terrible!
STATLER: Disgusting!
WALDORF: See you next week?
STATLER: Of course - unless I get lucky and break a leg!
Though sometimes they just stayed between two shows.
STATLER: Alright frog, we watched the show.
WALDORF: Yeah, unlock the doors!
WALDORF: Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?
STATLER: We can’t, you old fool! We’re bolted to the seats!
WALDORF: You know, the opening is catchy.
STATLER: So is smallpox.
KERMIT: I really feel bad about this but I have a special announcement.
WALDORF: Hey, maybe we’d gotten lucky at last.
STATLER: Yeah, maybe tonight’s show been cancelled!
KERMIT: Er, tonight’s show has been cancelled.
STATLER: Have I died and gone to heaven?
KERMIT: OK you two, take the night off!
WALDORF: Well, should we stay or go?
STATLER: I feel the same as I do every week: I paid good money for this ticket and I’m gonna use it. Huh!
WALDORF: Er, the tickets are free.
STATLER: Oh... Yes, euh... Well and overpriced at that too!
STATLER: What’s your opening act? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?
[both laugh]
KERMIT: Er, cancel the opening act.
[a gorilla in a ballet costume walks across the stage complaining loudly in Chinese]
STATLER: This show is off to a fast start.
WALDORF: Good, maybe it’ll end quicker!
There were of course a few good things about the show as well: people said you could learn something from watching it...
STATLER: You think this show is educational?
WALDORF: Yes, it will drive people to read books.
WALDORF: Do you think we’ll be entertained tonight?
STATLER: Well I will... I brought a book!
... or it would help you out with personal issues.
WALDORF: This show is good for what ails me.
STATLER: What ails you?
WALDORF: Insomnia.
WALDORF: Wake me when the show starts.
STATLER: It’s already been on awhile!
WALDORF: Wake me when it’s over.
But mostly, Statler & Waldorf decided to show their contempt for anything that happened on stage.
STATLER: There’s a lot to be said about this program.
WALDORF: Too bad you can’t say it on a family show!
STATLER: What’s all the commotion about?
WALDORF: The bunny ran away!
STATLER: Well, you know what that makes him -
BOTH: Smarter than us!
WALDORF: You know, they are calling this show a runaway hit.
STATLER: Yeah, when ever it comes on, you wanna run away!
STATLER: What’s wrong with you?
WALDORF: It’s either this show or indigestion. I hope it’s indigestion.
STATLER: Why?
WALDORF: It’ll get better in a little while.
When they did applaud, it usually turned out to have happened by accident...
WALDORF: Bravo, bravo!
STATLER: Why are you yelling bravo? Did you like it that much?
WALDORF: Nope; friend of mine, Joe Bravo, he’s sitting in the front row. Bravo!
STATLER: Bravo! Oh, bravo! Wonderful! Just wonderful!
WALDORF: How would you know? You're not even facing the stage.
STATLER: Why did you have to tell me? I was having such a good time!
Part of the problem seemed to be their balcony seats as well.
STATLER: I know what’s wrong with this show! It’s the theater!
WALDORF: What’s wrong with it?
STATLER: The seats face the stage!
WALDORF: These seats are awful.
STATLER: Why? Can’t you see anything?
WALDORF: That’s the problem. I can see everything.
Meanwhile, everyone onstage and behind the scenes had to pay for Statler & Waldorf’s annoyance.
STATLER: Every week this show looks better to me.
WALDORF: Every week your eyesight gets worse.
STATLER: You know, this show really improves with age!
WALDORF: Why? Because the jokes get better?
STATLER: No! Because my hearing gets worse!
STATLER: Hmm, that last number was a real show-stopper
WALDORF: Too bad it didn’t stop this show!
WALDORF: You know, the second half of this show reminds me of Aspen.
STATLER: Why Aspen?
WALDORF: Cause it’s all downhill from here!
WALDORF: [throws a rubber ring] Here, catch!
STATLER: Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.
STATLER: I’m gonna see my lawyer.
WALDORF: Why?
STATLER: I want to find out if you can sue a show for a breach of taste.
WALDORF: They did improve the level of television entertainment.
STATLER: Well, they had no place to go but up.
STATLER: I thought for once this show really caught fire.
WALDORF: I thought it burnt itself out the same as always.
WALDORF: Pay up, they made it through another one.
STATLER: Double or nothing on next week’s show?
WALDORF: You’re on.
WALDORF: Well, shall we call it a night?
STATLER: Might as well. Certainly wouldn’t call it a show.
The ending was always a good moment for an in-depth analysis of the show.
WALDORF: You know, when this show is terrible, something wonderful happens.
STATLER: What?
WALDORF: It ends.
STATLER: I guess all’s well that ends well.
WALDORF: Doesn’t matter to me, as long as it ends.
STATLER: Finally, we’ve seen them do a good show!
WALDORF: Good! Can we stop coming now?
WALDORF: This has been an evening to remember.
STATLER: Why?
WALDORF: I forgot.
WALDORF: What did you think?
STATLER: Beats sitting around watching television.
Sometimes they were present and still managed to miss parts of the show.
WALDORF: Uh, Statler?
STATLER: Yeah, what?
WALDORF: Is that it?
STATLER: Yes, it’s over. How’d you like it?
WALDORF: Uh, I don’t know. I slept through the whole thing.
STATLER: Well, you didn’t miss much!
STATLER: Wake up, you old fool. You slept through the show.
WALDORF: Who’s a fool? You watched it.
And however bad they thought it was...
STATLER: Well, that was different.
WALDORF: Yep. Lousy...
BOTH: ...but different!
WALDORF: Did you like it?
STATLER: No.
WALDORF: Then it wasn’t that different.
WALDORF: Same as it ever was.
STATLER: Same as it ever was.
BOTH: Terrible!
... and no matter how relieved they were to finally leave the theater...
STATLER: Do you believe in life after death?
WALDORF: Every time I leave this theater.
... they kept coming back.
STATLER: This show is awful!
WALDORF: Terrible!
STATLER: Disgusting!
WALDORF: See you next week?
STATLER: Of course - unless I get lucky and break a leg!
Though sometimes they just stayed between two shows.
STATLER: Alright frog, we watched the show.
WALDORF: Yeah, unlock the doors!
WALDORF: Do we have time to go to the bathroom before the next show?
STATLER: We can’t, you old fool! We’re bolted to the seats!